Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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