I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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