you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
My ATM looks so different sober.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
