Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Drunk is not a location!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
