my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
