did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
