Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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