Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
