I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
