She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
