i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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