My nipple is on Facebook.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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