my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
