Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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