Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
