Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I came so hard my ears popped.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize