apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
