I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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