I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
How does one acquire holy water?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
