I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I want a musical about memes.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
