I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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