I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
