my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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