You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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