Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Randomize
