Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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