it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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