I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just threw up on my dentist
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
