the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
