dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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