I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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