Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
This baby is an asshole
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
