i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Your shirt... Was in my pants
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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