i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Randomize