I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
