She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
why is half of my head shaved?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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