Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize