maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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