nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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