We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize