Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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