Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
