I can text with my tongue
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
