I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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