I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
