thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
