I feel like abortions should bother me more
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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