You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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