I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
