I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
