So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
