Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
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