Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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