I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize
