thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
