Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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