I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Randomize
