Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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