I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize