I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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