What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Randomize
