I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
we're making bets on your personal life
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
