There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Welp...herpes.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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