Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
